Lone Creative At The Table: An Entry
On a gloomy spring day, when my mind is racing and my soul is searching, these are the words that find me…
Since I was a kid, I always envisioned myself as a huge success.
I blame Oprah.
Her grittiness, her charisma, her perseverance, her unmatched talent to create through connecting with other people.
I knew from the moment I watched an episode of her show in health class that to create in such a moving way was destined for me.
Then life happened.
Growth happened.
Inevitable change happened.
And before I knew it, I’m 27 relearning what type of life and success is truly meant for me.
While spending some time catching up on some Substack reads recently, this quote stuck out to me:
Reading that was like being hit by a thought train because I immediately was reminded about my situation making creative work work for me.
My mind quickly focusing on how lonely I’ve been, how isolated I often feel, how different I’ve constantly felt; and for the life of me, I still can’t figure out if “different” is or isn’t felt in a good way.
I flashback my life as a creative. The years since graduating college I’ve tried to embrace what I believed at the time to be the perfect start of my creative future. All the people I’ve met, the risk I’ve taken, the spaces I’ve been too since being back in LA, “the land of dreams”.
Yet despite all my shifts in my creative journey, my community throughout the years has always felt the same… lone.
My table wasn’t always so small. Especially in my early and mid 20s, I was surrounded by so many creatives. I thought I had a community of creatives that could inspire, motivate and uplift me at any time. I thought because I was outgoing and generally not shy in social settings, it would be easy to maintain a community and use my charm to keep creatives always wanting to be a part of my life.
However, I always ended up feeling alone in my creative journey. At times, misunderstood or mistreated by others who I thought would be a lifelong support. Other times, envious or confused about others’ creative recognition before my own. And to be quite frank, often times fed up to the point that I walked away from my creative dreams to convince myself to be ‘like a normal person and find a stable life path with a dependable profession that will keep me secure in life.’
Despite all the reasons to stay away, I always come back to being a creative. Even when I want to opt out to the ‘easy way,’ I always found my way back to moving forward creatively. Allowing myself to be honest that one of the best pleasures in my life is attempting to create the big things I imagine, even if I have to be patient in designing big things alone.
And believe me, I’ll always leave room at my table for my community! I do not intend, or even want to, progress my creativity on my own. Especially as a woman who believes her purpose is creating through connecting with others, I hope to have other creative people along my journey with me as we give each other unlimited love and support.
However, it’s okay to find oneself alone. It’s okay to occupy a table with just one. It’s okay to be a solo-community of support while allowing authentic connections to find its way. And it’s definitely okay to feel connected to community in unorthodox ways, especially in post-COVID time.
I may not love being the only creative at my table sometimes, but I know that this is the process meant for me right now. A process that is filled with a lot to love.
I love learning my strengths and pushing myself forward to discovering what my lifetime success as a creative will end up being like. I love the ability to create without much thought of opinion because my experience thus far has only had me work through my own opinions to find my confidence. I love that with more time, I’ve only become more carefree when it comes to how I show up for myself creatively. I love that I live in a day and age where I don’t have to be in a creative occupation to be creative in my life, even though I truly want to be creative professionally and personally. I love that I have my whole life to make new connections, design projects that I didn’t even think was possible for me, and expand on my creative expressions and techniques.
Although I am sitting alone at my creative table today, I trust in myself to let my creativity manifest for itself what it wants to be to the world to attract the community I’ve always known I will have.
Thus time after time, situation after situation, energy after energy, I accept that I am my community.